rainbow in the sky
by aoi27sakura
Summary: Tsuna is no good, except he's not, not really.
1. the sky sure is blue today

Tsuna doesn't remember exactly when it began.

Or, more accurately, he remembers detail by detail, frame by frame, but he doesn't want to.

In these vague but clear, unforgettable but muddy memories, he remembers being revered. He remembers looks of awe, words of praise and mutters of jealousy. His mother was proud of him then. But no longer.

Tsuna's last memory of elementary school was being pulled to the rooftop by his best friend. His friend had been disgusted by him and told him it was wrong for someone to be as "perfect" as Tsuna had been. Tsuna remembers begging for forgiveness. He thinks he asked his friend how he could make it better.

" _It_ _'s easy. You just have to be no good. That way, no one will feel threatened._ "

" _It_ _'s that easy?_ "

" _Definitely, you_ _'re perfect, it'll be nothing for you._ "

Tsuna remembers exactly when it began.

He wishes he could forget but that's impossible.

"If you have time to be staring out the window, Sawada, answer this question!" his teacher yells from the front of the class.

 _There_ _'s no need to yell_ , Tsuna thinks. He stands up and feigns a confused expression. His teacher sneers and moves on while the class burst into giggles.

 _No one will feel threatened,_ his friend had said. Tsuna didn't understand at the time, but he's since then found the message his friend hadn't said. _In order for no one to feel threatened, all you need to do is be the one everyone treads over. Be the underdog. Be the no good trash._

Tsuna stares out the window and wonders why he is still alive.

* * *

He's staring up at the ceiling in his room when his mother bursts into his room. _She_ _'s mad_ , he thinks. _It_ _'s probably the test score._

"Tsu-kun! I found you a home tutor!"

What?

"What?" he says dumbly. "What?"

"Well, I found an interesting flyer in our mailbox," his mother says a skip in her voice. She pulls out the flyer and reads, "Will raise your child to be a leader of the next generation, grades and subjects don't matter. Isn't this amazing?"

"It's probably a scam," Tsuna says, crossing his legs. His mother's expression falls.

"I wish you'd talk to me, Tsu-kun," she says, tucking the flyer away. "Ever since elementary, your grades haven't been great. I just don't know what I can do to help. Is it because of me? Or are you missing your Papa?"

Tsuna studies the expression on his mother's face: sadness and confusion. His mother just wanted to help and yet…

"It's not your fault, mom," he says. "And I don't want to see dad."

"I see…"

Tsuna hates to see his mother at a loss. He wants to speak up, wants to tell her he'll do his best. For his mother, he'd whatever she wanted him to be, do whatever she wanted him to do.

But he can't.

He can't bring himself to say that. He can't bring himself to make even the smallest sacrifices for his mother.

Truly, he's become a scum of of this planet.

"I'm sorry, mom, but—"

"Ciaossu," a high, tinny, squeaky voice pipes up. A baby dressed in a black suit, a bright yellow pacifier hanging in front of his chest and topping it all off with a fedora and… was that a chameleon on the hat? "I arrived three hours early, but as a service, I'll evaluate you now."

"You are…?" Tsuna asks with a frown.

"I'm Reborn, the home tutor," the baby answers with confidence. Tsuna can see his mother's face go green at this, and he can't honestly say he blames her.

"I see… where are your parents—" the baby shoots forward, foot outstretched. Tsuna jumps off the bed and rolls out of harm's way. "Hey! That's dangerous—" Reborn's hand darts towards his tie and Tsuna ducks, "Really! This is dangerous!"

"Oh! I'll leave you two to get acquainted, then! Come down for dinner in an hour, alright?" his mother waves jauntily, and Tsuna wishes that she wasn't so oblivious sometimes. He knows his mother is never oblivious, but chooses to do so for the sake of her husband. Tsuna doesn't want to add to her ever-growing list of burdens; he will never tell his mother that he knows. For the same reason, Tsuna will also never forgive his father.

"Don't be so zoned out, it's not fit for a future mafia boss," Reborn says, after his mother shuts the door behind her.

Tsuna frowns, "Mafia boss?"

"Yes. My true identity is an assassin, and I have been sent here to make you into the best Mafia Boss to be."

"Oh," Tsuna says. "Wait, an assassin?" Reborn produces a rifle _out of nowhere_ on cue and Tsuna hurriedly waves his hands, "I'm not saying I don't believe you, I was just surprised!"

Tsuna settles back into his bed while Reborn makes himself comfortable on his desk.

"Why me?"

"The other candidates became unsuitable," Reborn answers. Tsuna could list a thousand thoughts to this, but he doesn't.

"I see. I don't want to become a mafia boss though."

"You will," Reborn says simply.

"Tsu-kun! Can you and Reborn-chan go get some groceries for me?" his mother suddenly calls, and Tsuna is nothing but grateful for the distraction.

"Yeah! I'll be right down!" he calls back. "Are you coming?" this he directs at Reborn.

Reborn, as a response, hops on Tsuna's shoulder, "As your tutor, I must first get to know you."

"Right."

* * *

Tsuna scans down the list his mother had hurriedly pushed into his hands before all but shoving him out the door. Something about a celebration for Reborn's arrival. Tsuna thinks it's kinda dumb, but again, what does he know?

"I can get most of this at the shopping district…" he mutters quietly to himself. "But for the tofu, mom likes it best from the shop in the public market… If I hurry I should be able to…"

"Speak up, Tsuna," Reborn says, punching the side of his face. Tsuna nearly goes flying into the fencing beside him, but manages to catch his balance. "A proper mafia boss needs to have confidence in order to be respected by his subordinates."

"I'm reading the shopping list my mom gave me," Tsuna says incredulously. "There's no one around here."

"You never know who's watching," Reborn counters easily.

And Reborn is right, because as soon as they round the corner, Tsuna all but walks into Sasagawa Kyoko. After a flurry of sorries from all parties involved (minus Reborn, the little bastard), Kyoko directs her full attention on Reborn, forgetting Tsuna's existence.

"How cute! Why are you in a suit?"

"I'm in the Mafia."

"How cool! Well, good luck with your job!" she says before waving goodbye, now remembering Tsuna's existence. Tsuna waves back tiredly.

"Mafia seduction," Reborn explains. "There may be a day when a female focuses only on you, but of course, only when I'm not around."

"Right," Tsuna says, hurrying on his way. "We need to hurry. The tofu store's closing soon."

"You want to be friends with her," Reborn guesses. "Or, you just want a friend."

"Yeah," Tsuna admits easily. "Friends are nice."

"Well," Reborn pulls out a gun and points it to Tsuna's head. "Die."

"What?"

"You'll know when you die."

Tsuna watches as he pulls the trigger in slow motion. He feels the bullet pierce through skin, drill through bone, torpedo his brain into liquid goo. Except he doesn't feel any of that. His mind goes blank and he feels himself hit the ground.

* * *

Iemitsu wasn't helpful when Reborn asked for information on Tsuna. In Iemitsu's eyes, his son isn't that bright, timid to the point of fault, doesn't have many talents. In other words, useless.

Walking into Tsuna's room confirmed Iemitsu's lack of knowledge for his family.

Tsuna's room was lined with bookshelves, filled to the point of overflowing with various subjects of both the high school and university levels. More books are strewn across the floor and his bed, open with bookmarks thrown in here and there. His textbooks for school, however, lay in a pile neatly and untouched. His notebooks are left blank.

But there are also papers around the room, filled with neatly scribbled notes and answers to questions that should be much beyond his level, but with perfect solutions. If Reborn didn't know about his school grades, he would've admitted that Tsuna is a genius.

So he decides to shoot Tsuna with a Dying Will Bullet, because why not, his finger was itching from withdrawal.

Tsuna's Dying Will is…

Unexpected.

After being shot by the Bullet, Tsuna fell.

And didn't get up for a long time.

Reborn wonders if Tsuna didn't actually have the potential, if everything had been miscalculated, but then Tsuna slowly pushes himself off the ground, a small flame burning on his forehead.

And wept.

Tsuna sat in the middle of the street, fully clothed (to Reborn's surprised) and teardrops dripped down both cheeks. He covered his face with both hands and a stream of words flowed from lips that barely moved. Most of it was nonsensical, but every now and again Reborn catches faint words of what may have been apologies.

"I'm sorry mom sorry mom so sorry I can't do it sorry don't want to be a burden so scared mom sorry Suguru he— sorry"

Rinse and repeat.

Five minutes later, Tsuna dropped again to the ground, blinked his eyes open, and stood up, "What happened? Wait—" he checks his watch and breaks out into a run. "Tofu!"

Reborn follows, jumping onto Tsuna's head while he sprinted towards the public market.

The flame that flickered on Tsuna's forehead, was a bright orange, the kind of flame Reborn had only seen one other person possess. Yet the flame is so small, so weak, flickering wildly and threatening to burn out any second; it's a quality he's seen many times. It's the flames of someone about to die.

As far as Reborn knows, Tsuna isn't sick, and, in fact, extremely healthy. His running compounded this fact: the speed at which he ran to the store was such that he could've won an award for track.

"Thank God I made it," Tsuna lets out a sigh of relief. "Right, so what was that whole talk about dying? I don't remember what happened."

"Are all the books in your room yours?"

"Huh? Yeah," Tsuna looks up at Reborn, or tries to, without tilting his head so much that Reborn would fall. "Why?"

"I saw some of your work, they seemed complicated."

A certain amount of defensiveness creeps into his voice, "Right…"

"They seemed more difficult than your school materials."

"Well, yeah but—"

"Who's Suguru?"

Tsuna flinches. He flinches so hard he almost drops the plastic bag in his hand, "Where did you hear his name?"

"You said it a bit ago," Reborn answers nonchalantly.

"He… He is… was my friend."

Damn that Iemitsu, completely useless.

* * *

It's rather disconcerting to hear his name brought up after years. It's even more disconcerting when Reborn tells him he had said the name out loud.

He does the rest of his shopping, dodging Reborn's quick-firing round of questions that followed along with the kicks that accompanied every question he doesn't answer, which just happens to be most of them. Tsuna's sure that he's going to wake up with bruises all over tomorrow, which is fine, really. It's been a long time since he's last felt alive. The adrenaline from each duck, each sidestep, each twirl makes him think that he's not ready to die, not yet, anyway.

He blinks. And he looks up at the sky.

The sky is blue, a dazzling, pure blue that's so blue Tsuna can't comprehend how it's possible. Sure, he could dig through his books and the Internet and find that when the white light from the sun passes through the atmosphere and blah blah blah, but that'll never cover the whole wave of emotions looking at the blue seems to give him. It feels like the heaviness that always followed him step by step is now left behind in the dust. It feels like he'll never again sit in bed, with grief chaining down his limbs and bogging down his mind.

It's amazing, that just having a someone beside him can make him feel so refreshed, almost as if he was, indeed, reborn.


	2. the sky is not crashing down

"Do your homework, Tsuna," Reborn orders. "You have an essay due tomorrow."

"Right," Tsuna says, flipping the page of his _The Mathematics and Physics to Understanding Quantum Theory_. "I'm not doing it."

For the second time in a day, Reborn pulls out a rifle out _from nowhere_ and points it at Tsuna from across the room, "It wasn't a negotiation."

"I see."

Reborn fires. The bullet grazes Tsuna's ear and embeds itself in the wall beside the bed. Tsuna closes his book and tucks himself into bed.

"Good night, mom!" he calls before shutting his eyes. "Good night, Reborn."

The light goes out after Tsuna hits a light switch beside his bed. Engulfed in the darkness, Reborn asks quietly, "Your friend, Suguru, what did he do?"

The covers rustle as Tsuna turns and tosses into a comfortable position. Eventually, he stops, and silence fills the room once again. Reborn sits without movement on Tsuna's desk listening to the slow tick of the clock for a near ten minutes before Tsuna speaks.

"How am I supposed to be able to trust you?"

Reborn takes a while to consider his words before he answers, "You don't have to. My job is only—"

"Future mafia boss, right," Tsuna laughs, but it's a humourless laugh. The morbid laugh when someone realizes they're about to die and haven't accomplished anything in life. The kind of laugh that can barely be considered a laugh. "But what's that got to do with me?"

"It's your destiny," Reborn lies. Tsuna was a backup, pulled upon only when Timoteo's sons became unable to take over the family. Tsuna opens his eyes and looks over at Reborn. In the darkness, Tsuna's eyes seemed to glow with the slightest hints of orange. But he blinks, and the orange is no longer there the next time he opens his eyes.

"You're lying," Tsuna says with a sad smile. "You said the other heirs became unsuitable. They died, didn't they?"

Reborn tilts his head, not confirming nor denying Tsuna's words. Tsuna seems to have more words bottled up, so he waits.

"My… father," Tsuna begins hesitantly. "Sawada Iemitsu, is he involved with this?"

There is no need to lie here, and even if he wanted to, there would be nothing he can do against the Hyper Intuition of the Vongola family, "Yes."

"Consulenza Esterna Della Famiglia, right?"

"How do you know that name?"

Tsuna puts his arms behind his head and laughs again without humour, "You'd be surprised what a little Koogling can do."

"There is no information on Koogle regarding the Vongola."

"OK, I lied. You're right," Tsuna pauses to take a breath. "Nothing a little hacking can't get."

"The Vongola security—"

"Nothing a lot of hacking can't get past. Plus, I dug through some of father's belongings the last time he was here."

There is no way the leader of CEDEF did not notice some child digging through his belongings. It would have also been easy to find leftover fingerprints. As if reading his thoughts, Tsuna continues, "I had gloves on and put everything back the way it was. Plus, I carried his belongings upstairs when he arrived home, it couldn't have been that far-fetched to have his son's fingerprints over his suit case. I'm sure his defences were down, anyway. He thinks I'm—" Tsuna's breath hitches.

"You're what?" Reborn immediately prompts.

"I'm useless. But of course, he's right."

Neither of them say a word, with only quiet breathing filling the room. Not until Reborn quietly says, "You don't believe that."

"I—"

"I'm not the World's Greatest Hitman for nothing, Tsuna. Even without the Vongola Intuition, I know a lie when I hear it. So why is it that you choose to live like this? It certainly doesn't seem like you actually enjoy it."

"Good night, Reborn."

Within minutes, Tsuna falls fast asleep. Reborn can wake him up and demand for an answer, sure, but Tsuna won't give it. He'd like to threaten him, but Tsuna won't give in. Reborn sits back with a smile. It would be difficult, but he likes a challenge. And he will find his answer.

"Good night, Tsuna," Reborn whispers, and hops out the window.

—

It's dark.

He sticks out his arm in front of himself, but he can't see even the small distance to his hand. He closes his eyes; there is no difference either way.

 _Hey Sawada, is it alright if I call you Tsuna?_ the voice rings out from all around him, and he can't help but to curl up and press the palms of his hands over his ears. _You don_ _'t mind? Then, Tsuna, can we be friends? Yeah?_

"Stop…"

 _We_ _'ll be great friends, I promise. I'll even share my meat bun when after school! Eh? You don't want it? But it tastes good!_

"Please… stop it."

 _Tsuna, do you get the homework? Yeah? Can you explain it to me? Thanks!_

"Someone, please—"

 _Hey, I actually got the homework, thank_ _— You must— You can_ _'t— For me—_ static starts to erode the voice, mixing together small bits of different sentences, all in the voice of _that person_.

 _Tsuna actually talks bad about you guys when he_ _'s with me, you know. I don't think he's all that nice._

In the pitch black scene around him, one figure slowly fades into existence. It's _him_. Tsuna takes a step back, and then another before turning and breaking out into a run.

 _Where are you going? I thought we were friends._

" _I thought we were friends!_ " Tsuna stumbles into a stop in front of an image of himself, threes years younger and with a face at loss. Suguru's figure appears behind him and speaks.

He speaks in such a natural voice that Tsuna can't help but believe his words.

 _We were never friends. What are, dumb? Oh Perfect Tsuna?_

"… _You promised!_ " his younger self yells. Tsuna falls back, on his behind and curls up.

Please, no more.

"Someone," Tsuna begs. "Someone, please save me from here. I don't want this anym—"

A hand grabs his chin and jerks his face up, facing Suguru's figure, only centimetres away from his own, _Tsuna, you keep on asking someone to save you, but you know? You can_ _'t save trash._

—

Tsuna wakes up wanting to die.

Tsuna walks down the stairs wanting to die.

Tsuna greets his mother wanting to die.

"Good morning, mom," he feels his muscles work to tug the corners of his lips up into something, hopefully akin to a smile. "Breakfast looks great."

"Good morning, Tsu-kun," his mother greets with a smile, thousands of times truer than his own. "Eat up, or you're going to be late. I packed your bento already. By the way, have you seen Reborn around?"

Tsuna pulls out his chair and sits down, "No, we were talking last night, but I haven't seen him since. I'm sure he'll be back soon."

"I hope so too," Nana says with a frown, finishing up the lasts of dishes. "I made breakfast for him too, but I guess I'll pack it up for later. If you see him, tell him it's in the fridge."

"Are you going out today?" Tsuna sips at his miso. His stomach churns uncomfortably, but he doesn't want his mother to worry, so he should at least finish up—

 _You can_ _'t save trash._

His head pounds. His heart races. His legs carry him to the bathroom. He leans over the toilet and throws up the little bit of miso he had. The sour of stomach acid fills his taste buds with disgust as he spits out the remnants in his mouth.

"Tsu-kun! Are you alright? I'll call the doctor right now!"

"Mom, wait," Tsuna holds up a hand. "I'm… alright. Just had a headache."

"You're _not_ alright!" his mother puffs up indignantly. "I can ignore the wounds you come home with because you want me to, but you're _sick_ , Tsu-kun. We're going to the hospital, right _now_!"

"I—"

" _Tsu-kun!_ "

"I, alright," Tsuna says quietly and flushes the toilet. "Just let me clean up a bit."

Tsuna washes his face off over the sink and looks into the mirror. Dark circles hang with the bags under his eyes. He hadn't slept well. The conversation he had with Reborn was… uncomfortable, to say the least. That dream didn't help, either. The uncomfortable pressing over his chest follows him even after waking up. Guilt hangs over him like a ghost determined to haunt. He's not exactly sure what he's guilty for, but that can just mean his guilt is directed at too many things, too many events, too many people.

He sighs.

The car ride to the hospital is quiet. His mother's finger taps impatiently away at the steering wheel while they're stuck in traffic. It's strange to see such a reaction from his mother; Tsuna can't remember the last time he's seen her like this.

"I'm sorry, mom."

His mother sighs with frustration, "No, I should be sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that. It's not your fault you're feeling under the weather."

"I'm sorry for everything else too."

"I— We'll talk more after we get home, then? I'm just glad you're finally opening up to me."

The checkup passed quickly. The doctor wasn't able to find anything out of the norm and let Tsuna go with suggestions to rest and to take only light meals, "It's likely stress. It happens often with students. However, if the symptoms continue, please come back. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Tsunayoshi?"

Tsuna blinks, and looks down at his lap, "I…"

"Take your time," his mother puts her hand over his own, clasped tightly together. "You can do it."

"I've… I've been feeling really tired lately, even when I haven't been doing anything," he says, twisting his hands together. "I just, feel kind of empty and guilty all the time… I don't really know. There's also times when the thoughts keep on going through my head and it's like I can't… breathe? I don't know."

"I see, it's good of you to talk about it," the doctor says warmly. He turns and clicks on a few tabs on his monitor. "I hope you don't mind, I'm just going to ask a few more questions."

"I…"

"Should I step out?" his mother asks. "Would that be better, Tsu-kun?"

"Um… No mom, you can stay. I'm alright with the questions."

"Great. When you say you're feeling down, is it constantly there or is it only there sometimes?"

"I think it's more constant…"

"OK. How long have you been feeling these emotions?"

"The… last three years?"

"I see, is there anything you can think of that happened three years ago?"

"I… Yes."

"Do you feel comfortable sharing that?"

"…No."

"OK. Do you remember the last time you felt happy? As in, really really happy?"

"Um… I made a new friend yesterday, so I was pretty happy, I think…"

"And before that?"

"Um… probably three years ago."

"I see," the doctor keeps on tapping away. "Beyond the emptiness and guilt, have you been experiencing feelings of anxiety? Or have you been unable to stop doing something?"

"No."

"The next question may seem kind of silly, but have you been seeing or hearing things that other people can't?"

"No."

"Alright, the next question may be a little sensitive. Have you had any thoughts of suicide since the event three years ago?"

Tsuna's hands twitch. His mother rubs comforting circles over his knuckles, and after what feels like an eternity, he nods.

"How often are these thoughts?"

"…Almost everyday," he whispers. Nana's hand tightens before continuing with with the rubbing.

"And have you ever thought of a plan to carry out if you were to suicide?"

Tsuna's mind stops… and then jumps into overdrive. He sees himself pressing the barrel of a gun under his chin. He sees himself putting on an oxygen mask connected to helium. He sees himself setting himself on fire. He sees himself throwing himself over the fence and falling from Namimori's highest mountain. He sees himself shutting the windows and turning on charcoal burner. He—

"I have."

"And have you ever acted upon those plans?"

"No."

"Great. Have you ever talked to anyone about this?"

"This is… uh, the first time."

"I see. Tsunayoshi, Mrs. Sawada, Tsunayoshi is likely going to be diagnosed with depression. I'm going to ask him to get these tests done before making the diagnose, as some of these can share symptoms with depression…"

Tsuna can't hear anything.

He looks up and sees a concern painted across his mother's face. Similarly, the doctor, too, looks concerned, but at the same time, they look tired, as if he's been through this too many times. Tsuna closes his eyes.

"Tsunayoshi?"

"Tsu-kun?"

"Ah, yes? I'm sorry, I just zoned out a bit," Tsuna opens his eyes and apologizes hurriedly.

"No need to apologize," the doctor waves his hands. "You mother and I were just discussing some of the options you can take to recovery from now on. But in the end, it's your choice. I am able to prescribe you some medication to help with the hormone balance in you. I am also able to refer you to a psychologist. I would suggest that you definitely go talk to someone, even if not a psychologist about it. But of course, it will work best if you try both out at first, and then we can figure out which works better for you."

"Um… I think I'd like to try both then… if that's alright…"

"Of course…"

Tsuna's brains shuts down again. He thinks he hears something about thyroid tests and bupropion, but he's not sure.

Will his mother be ashamed?

If he talks about Suguru, will everything get better?

Will anything ever get better?

He doesn't know, and a part of him doesn't want to know. What's wrong with staying like this? Garbage like himself can just stay garbage.

He's sorry to those living in poverty, those trying their best to strive for a better life. He's here living a comfortable life while they're out there quite literally dying to live.

Haha, it's kind of funny. They're dying to live while he's living to die.

He thinks he says thank you and bows while leaving the doctor's office. He feels his mother's hand, warm, small, shaking, leading him back to the car.

 _Oh, mom, I_ _'m so sorry. So sorry. It won't make a difference, but I'm so so so so so sososososo sorry._

It's beside their car that his mother finally stops.

Nana throws her arms around Tsuna and hugs him tight. Tsuna blinks and it feels like colour flooded back into the world. Tsuna feels safe, and perhaps everything will be OK, even though his mother's sobbing into his shoulder.

"Oh, Tsu-kun, I had no idea you were going through all that… I—"

"I'm sorry, mom. For never telling you…"

"Don't be sorry! I'm sure it was—" his mother sniffles. "I'm sure it was difficult back there. But we'll get through it, you and I. We definitely will, alright?"

Yeah… Maybe, just maybe, everything will be as his mother says. It'll be alright.

"I'm cooking all your favourites today! Don't worry about school or anything. Today's for us, sounds good?"

"Yeah, mom, that sounds great."


	3. the storm finally roars

Nana asks Tsuna if he'd like to rest before dinner and when Tsuna shakes his head no, she ushers Tsuna into the kitchen, setting him to do some simple tasks whilst she hurries to bust up a feast. He sits at the dining table between tasks with his head propped up by a hand lazily. Among the rhythmic tapping of the knife against the chopping board and the sizzling of the pan and the cracking of eggshells breaking and the squishing of ground meat stands his mother, a wide smile across her face.

It's strange. His mother's smile doesn't feel fake and he can't sense a displeased voice waiting to berate him over his newly failed tests. Or perhaps it's not strange: his mother never thought badly of him. Disappointed, yes, but only because she knew that Tsuna was capable of more than he achieved. Perhaps the strange one is himself: doubting everyone around him without ever slowing down to consider if the one he should truly be doubting is himself. With lies and pretend smiles dotting each of his sentences, it's most ironic that he thinks he has the right to doubt others around him.

"Tsu-kun? Have you finished setting the table?" his mother asks with a warm voice. He turns around and sets down bowls and plates filled to the brim with delicious cooking, all his favourites. He smiles back and it all seems normal for a split second before Tsuna realizes he no longer remembers what normalcy entails anymore.

"Yes. Is there anything else I can do?"

Nana wipes her hands on a cloth before pulling up her chair, "Nope, we're ready for dinner. Eat up!"

"Thank you for the food," Tsuna says quietly with his hands together and picks up his chopsticks.

"I wonder when Reborn is coming back," Nana thinks to herself.

Tsuna has a sneaking suspicion that his mother knows well what Reborn has come to do, and probably what Reborn has left to do, but he simply shrugs, "Who knows. I'm sure he'll be back when he's hungry."

"You're right, children that age need to eat to grow up properly. You ate well too, when you were that age," sadness creeps into her eyes and she quickly blinks them away. "You'll eat well today too, right?"

He tilts his head, mouth full of rice.

Dinner passes by mostly wordlessly on his part as his mother fills him in on the gossip of the neighbourhood, the best sales in the supermarkets and the newborns with their parents she's met on her daily walks. A sadness had crept across her countenance at the last one. Perhaps she's remembering her dreams of doing the same with Tsuna and Iemitsu… Perhaps she's remembering how short of a time they spent with each other. Perhaps she's regretting it all. Tsuna keeps quiet through her words and hatred rises in himself for his father.

How dare Iemitsu leave Nana like that?

Yet, even while Tsuna was by his mother's side, what has he done for her? Simply shrivel away in his room and hand over failed exam papers. Feed her lies as each day passes on without his remorse. So this too, is Tsuna's fault.

Before he can drift away in a sea of deprecating thoughts, a knock on the front door sends him hurtling back into reality. His mother makes a move to stand but he jumps up before she can move from her seat, "Mom, I'll go get it. You've barely touched the food."

"Alright, but hurry, alright?"

He smiles and jogs to the door, opening it and jumping aside as Reborn comes flying through the barely open crack, "Not bad, Tsuna. Remember, this is also part of your training: Always be alert, even when opening the door."

Tsuna rolls his eyes and closes the door, "Take off your shoes, Reborn. Mom made enough food for you, but can you at least try to show up on time for dinner? It's incredibly rude."

"You're a hundred years too early too early to berate me, Tsuna," Tsuna dodges another two well-aimed shoes kicked at his face and sighs. "Oh, there's someone else behind the door. He's your new subordinate."

"Huh?"

"You just shut out your new subordinate," Reborn repeats. "His name is Gokudera Hayato. He just got here from Italy and doesn't have a place to stay yet."

"Are you saying he's here to freeload? _Like you_?"

"I dislike the word freeload," Reborn says, heading into the dining room. "Mama, I brought back a friend."

From the dining room, he can hear his mother's delighted voice and something along the lines of "I'll cook more food". He sighs again when his mother calls at him to hurry up.

He pulls the door open with the best smile he can muster and apologizes, "I'm sorry, Gokudera, Reborn didn't say he was bringing someone else home, so I just assumed. Please, come on in."

It takes him a few more seconds to fully take in the scene in front of him. The only person in his vision is a boy with spiky gray hair, a cigarette in his mouth, multiple dynamites stuffed between his fingers and a generally unfriendly expression across his face. Tsuna can only assume that he is the Gokudera Hayato Reborn mentioned, yet the bloodlust rolling off him in waves has Tsuna just slightly concerned.

"Reborn said that I can be the Tenth Vongola if I kill you, so—"

"—So you should drop all that and eat dinner first. My mother is overjoyed at the prospect of a guest so please do not ruin the night for her. Also, it is incredibly rude to interrupt a family dinner, so before we call the police on you, please come on in and eat dinner. We can discuss my death in a civilized manner after dinner over dessert," Tsuna bows and directs Gokudera the way he's seen butlers on TV do.

Confusion and shock floods Gokudera's face and Tsuna has to resist the urge not to laugh in his face. When Gokudera finally steps past the door frame, he looks back to Tsuna as if searching for further directions, "Um… Alright?"

"You speak Japanese!" Tsuna claps his hands together. "Exciting. So, um, shoes off. If I could take all your… decorations, that would be great too. I guess I can't do anything about the cigarette smell, but that's fine."

"Do I have to…?" Gokudera's tone is hesitant, the complete opposite of his voice a mere minute ago.

Tsuna frowns, "Uh, I mean, not necessarily… You just look like a yankee."

"Wh—"

"It's not a bad thing! Probably. If you're uncomfortable with it… I mean, my mom probably won't care… so… how did you get all of this across airport security?"

"Huh?" Gokudera seems taken aback at his words, then shrugs. "Mafia."

"Riiiight, the mafia. I won't ask, then. Shall we get going? Mom's waiting."

"Um. Is there somewhere I can leave… all this? I heard your mother is not involved with… uh, the mafia."

Tsuna blinks, "Sure, my room, then."

* * *

"Mom!" Tsuna's voice drifts from the front door. "I'm bringing Gokudera up to my room a quick second. He's dropping off some, uh, luggage."

"Alright!" Nana calls back. "But be quick, alright? I'm almost done cooking!"

"Okay!"

She sets down a couple more plates down on the table and turns her back to the stoves. Her voice is lighthearted as usual, yet there's the slightest hint of a threat behind her words, "So Reborn, who's the new kid?"

"His name is Gokudera Hayato. He's a mercenary from Italy," Reborn answers around a mouthful of grilled fish. "He'll become a great asset to Tsuna's Family."

"Is Tsuna okay with this? He doesn't need more stress during this time."

"Is this about the hospital visit today?"

"So you knew?"

"I didn't, but I suspected."

Nana laughs without humour in her voice, "Thanks for nothing."

"You suspected too, I'm sure," Reborn's words are piercing yet Nana shows no hints of flinching.

"Anyone alive could have noticed. But maybe not Iemitsu, that man is worse than blind."

Reborn laughs, "You're right."

Heavy footsteps hit the staircases and Nana turns back to the stove to finish off some final touches, "Just remember, Reborn. If any harm comes to Tsuna… you, Iemitsu and all of the Vongola Famiglia are dead meat."

"I will keep that in mind."

"Thank you. Now, another serving?"

"Of course, your cooking is better than those of high-end restaurants."

* * *

"This is a lot of books," Gokudera says in wonder. "Have you read them all?"

"Most of them, yes," Tsuna answers. "You can leave your stuff in that corner."

"Right, thanks," Gokudera says and unclasps the oversized belt. It clinks against itself as he places it on the floor. He left the snuffed out cigarette in a compartment in his belt before stepping in the house, and he looked almost normal.

As normal as a teenager in a skull shirt could look.

They talked as they made their way up to Tsuna's room. It was difficult trying to wrangle information out of Gokudera, but after entering Tsuna's room, it became rather easy to talk to him. Tsuna has a light suspicion that Gokudera was really into his book collection, but opted against mentioning it.

"So you were told that I'm going to be the Tenth of the Vongola?"

"Yeah."

"Uh… There must have been some miscommunication, because I'm not going to become the Tenth or whatever."

"Huh? But—"

"Reborn's being an idiot," Tsuna scoffs.

"But he's the best hitman in all of Italy!"

"And a liar."

"The Ninth trusts him!" Gokudera's voice rises indignantly.

"It's trust misplaced."

"How do _you_ know? You've been living in protection here in Japan all this time. Your safe, happy life with your mother away from the dangers. What right do _you_ have to talk?" he yells, breaths heavy and he blinks in realization at the raising of his voice. "Sorry… I didn't mean…"

Gokudera is right, Tsuna has no idea what kind of life Gokudera faced, yet he can't bring himself to accept his words. It may just be a friendly argument, yet if he admitted to Gokudera's words… would that not be glossing over all of Tsuna's own struggles?

"I don't know what you went through, Gokudera. But you also don't know what I went through. We really don't have the right to talk to each other like that. I'm very sorry," Tsuna bows. "Well, what do you say to some dinner? My mom cooks great!"

"I… Yeah, that sounds great."

* * *

Dinner with Gokudera goes well, or at least pretty well, all things concerned. Tsuna is still struggling to contain himself from dumping the entirety of the trash can over Reborn's head, but he's doing pretty well. Gokudera is still struggling to keep up with the friendly conversation of his mother, but he's doing pretty well. Reborn, however, has absolutely no difficulty with the difficulties around the dinner table, that he himself was really the core reason for and Tsuna's hands twitch, once again for the trash can.

It is when his mother says that one line where everything goes to hell.

"I'm so glad Tsu-kun made a new friend, it's been so long since he's brought anyone to dinner!"

Tsuna's fingers freeze.

"I think the last time… was in elementary, right?"

His breathing threatens to go out of control.

"If I remember… his name was—"

The ceiling spins and his stomach squeezes. He drops his chopsticks and runs for the bathroom.

"Tsu-kun?"

His mother chases after him and shuts the bathroom door behind her. Tsuna grabs the toilet and the sour taste of stomach acid in his mouth fills him with disgust. His mother is by his side in less than a second and rubs comforting circles over his back, her voice murmuring relaxing tones into his ear. He's shaking, trembling. When the urge to throw up finally leaves him, it could have been mere seconds later, or whole hours later, he forces himself to stand up. He takes calming breaths, and when his breathing is finally under control, he looks up at his mother. Concern fills her eyes. He brings his arms around her.

"How are you feeling, Tsu-kun?" her arms wrap around him and he lets out a sigh of contentment.

"Better."

"I'm sorry, was it something I said?"

"No! I just—" he tries to break out of his mother's embrace and jump back, but her arms tighten around him. He sighs again, "It's me, mom. It's not your fault."

"Tsu-kun, it's not your fault."

"But it is!"

"Tsu-kun," his mother's voice is serious, more serious than he's ever heard it. "Repeat after me, alright? This isn't my fault."

"Mom, I—"

"Just humour me, alright?"

"… Alright, alright. This isn't my fault."

"Good. Now you just have to believe it," she smiles and lets go of him. "I'm here if you want to talk any time, alright?"

"… Alright, Mom. Thank you."

"You welcome! Wash up before you come back to the dining room, alright? I'll make sure there's some food leftover for you in case you still want to eat."

"Gokudera— he—"

"I'll talk to him. He'll understand."

"I… alright."

"He'll understand," she repeats with a hint of steel behind her normally gentle voice. "I'll make him understand."

"Oh… uh. Yeah."

The door clicks shut behind her. Tsuna turns on the bathroom tap and dunks his head under it. The water is freezing cold, yet Tsuna can't help but think it's washing some sense in his muddled brain. He wipes his face dry and flushes the toilet.

His face in the mirror looks terrible, not that he doesn't normally look terrible. Red blood vessels streak the whites of his eye and his cheeks are flushed a bright pink. His eyes are swollen and his hair looks like he just got out of the shower… or just got home after being struck by lightning in the rain. He hesitates against going out like this.

"Screw it," he says aloud to the mirror. "I'm going out."

It's been a long time since he's had anyone he could call a friend. But if that someone was Gokudera, he can't help but think it may not be so bad.

He just hopes he won't be betrayed again.


	4. the rain is unforgettable

For some reason unknown to Tsuna, Gokudera is accompanying him to school in the school uniform similar to that of his own. Gokudera's going on about the beauty of Fibonacci numbers, or something: Tsuna hasn't been listening for at least the last ten minutes.

Gokudera had left the night before at around eleven o'clock. They'd bonded over the quantum theory textbook currently splayed out over his bed. He hesitated to call them friends… but that was probably what they looked like to others. His mother had invited Gokudera over for breakfast, after learning that he had only just moved over from Italy and that his kitchen was still woefully equipped for cooking. Over breakfast half a hour ago, his mother had once again commented on their closeness, though Tsuna couldn't completely agree to the same yet.

With a heartwarming smile from his mother and a flying kick from Reborn that Tsuna had slammed the front door shut on, follows the predicament that Tsuna is currently trapped in with seemingly no exit: the uniform on Gokudera matched his. In other words, he donned the Namimori Junior High's uniform. It was forbidden for those who do not attend the school to wear the uniform lest they face Hibari Kyoya's wrath. In conclusion, Gokudera either will begin to attend the same school as Tsuna, or, more likely…

"Gokudera? Do you want to incur Hibari Kyoya's wrath?" Tsuna asks, cutting of Gokudera's rambling. From a face of pure bliss, Gokudera's expression melts down into a puddle of confusion.

"Who is this Hibari Kyoya? Unless he is part of the mafia, I don't see a reason that I would… incur his wrath?"

Eliminating the second option, that only leaves the first. So that would mean, "Gokudera, are you going to start attending my school?"

Gokudera frowns, then blinks, and frowns again, "Yes? Isn't it obvious from my uniform? Plus, we _are_ heading in the direction of your school together. I brought it up over dinner last night as well, but now that I think about it, you were in the bathroom."

Tsuna scratches at his chin as he feels his spirit leaving him and ascending to the heavens above. He was careless. He shouldn't have let Gokudera enter his room nor should he have have talked to him in length about the quantum theory nor that of the Fibonacci numbers. But before any of that, he shouldn't have let someone get to know him, the him hidden behind that of the No-Good Tsuna.

"During class… if we end up in the same class—"

"Oh, we're in the same class. Reborn specifically made it so that I'd be placed into your class," Gokudera explains without realizing he's only adding to the long list of reasons why Tsuna should ditch school and run the hell back home.

"Well… then, during class, when the teacher calls on me and I don't answer… it's because…"

"Because?"

"Because… I don't know the answer?" Tsuna tries again, but his words only leave a question hanging between the two.

"What? But I already looked through the curriculum of the grade. It's all quite elementary, definitely not something that should be difficult."

"It's not that I don't know… I guess… but the class needs to have someone," his voice hitches, so he stops, takes a deep breath before continuing. Though his mind is racing with thoughts that he, once again, messed up, he's sure he can at least make it through one conversation, maybe. "Someone they can, I don't know… I don't know. Never mind. I don't feel well so I'm going home for the day. Sorry for making you listen to all that. I'll see you tomorrow."

With that, Tsuna ditches a bewildered Gokudera behind and sprints back in the direction of his house. The ground meets his shoes that aren't meant for running harshly with each and every step. His pulse pounds away erratically inside of his skull. He only barely dodges an old lady walking her dog. Amidst his profuse apologies, the old lady's eyes are wide with anger as she spit out what seemed to be insults, but Tsuna can't hear anything beyond the deafening rhythm of his heart.

Breaking out into a run again, he stops only when he's around the corner of his house, or, more accurately, his parents' house. He looks up and takes in the homey building, from the flower pots his mother had hung up with joy to the fencing his father had haphazardly fixed (though Tsuna is hesitant to use the word) the last time he was around. His parents may have the responsibility to raise him, but until he's able to contribute to the household, he's the same as Reborn: a freeloader. Even in the comforts of the only place he could call home, he's nothing but a burden.

He closes his eyes, breathes in deeply, and breathes out before opening his eyes again.

Taking off for one last time, he blinks away the wetness welling up in his eyes. There's no destination in his mind.

Yet in a world such as this, Tsuna can't fully convince himself that anyone else has a goal in mind either.

* * *

Tsuna is weird.

Though Gokudera rarely required words of such inaccuracy, Tsuna fit the word almost perfectly.

Actually, screw this. Tsuna is fucking weird. What the fuck.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , he thinks to himself as he's lead through the hallways of Namimori Junior High by a teacher. For some reason, fear fills the teacher's eyes every time he catches a glimpse of Gokudera. Perhaps its the rings on his right hand or the wristbands on his left. Either way, it's not Gokudera's problem.

What is, or rather _who_ is Gokudera's problem, however, is the one chosen to become the heir of the Vongola.

It started last night, well, more accurately, a couple weeks ago. When he heard the next heir had been chosen, a child that's lived in happiness and protection in Japan his whole life, he laughed. Gokudera pitied this child. The former heirs had all met untimely ends and this child, growing up without any training nor knowledge of the mafia, would surely meet the same end.

 _There_ _'s no need for him to give a shit about Sawada Tsunayoshi_ , he thought.

Yet that all changed when Reborn came knocking on his door, well, window. Well, he didn't knock, he shattered a round hole the window and invited himself in. After demanding Gokudera to challenge the new Vongola heir, he'd dropped off a plane ticket to Japan and left the same way he came in.

Gokudera wasn't an idiot. There's no way he'd risk his life to ignore Reborn's orders. So he packed the minimum and headed off to the airport with the ticket Reborn left him. The plane was scheduled to leave only four hours after Reborn's visit, so he mentally sent a string of his most creative curses at Reborn. Now he's here, enrolled in some Japanese middle school, forced to spend his time with this Sawada Tsunayoshi.

He won't lie. He thought he was getting along pretty well with Tsuna last night. While Gokudera launched long discussions and talked about the fascination of mathematics, Tsuna looked intrigued. Though the majority of talking was done by Gokudera alone, Tsuna's comments every now and again were nothing short of brilliant. It was… almost fun.

But then this morning… what was that?

No matter how hard Gokudera thinks, he can't come to a conclusion on why Tsuna wouldn't understand the curriculum at the school. The books that line Tsuna's room are more than telling of his intelligence, to not know the answer during class…? It makes no sense. Or perhaps it has to do with when Tsuna disappeared during dinner last night for a good chunk of the hour. When he showed up again at the dinner table, his eyes were so puffy and bloodshot that Gokudera had to physically stop him from blurting out meddling questions. If Tsuna wanted to tell him, he would. The fact that he didn't say anything is simply a representation of their closeness.

Though remembering their conversation last night, remembering the amused smiles on Tsuna's face, Gokudera can't help but to wish they would be able to converse like that again.

* * *

Tsuna's dragging his feet across the concrete ground with his head hanging when he walks straight into someone. Though he kind of wants to complain that the other person could have moved out of the way, he manages to profusely apologize in a hopefully convincing tone before turning on his heels and walking back the way he came from.

"Hey Tsuna! Tsuna? Wait up!" Tsuna freezes and looks behind his shoulder. Yamamoto Takeshi, ace of the baseball team, is waving at him with a grin stretched across his face as he jogs up and stops beside him. "You're skipping today? Me too!"

"I— uh, yeah, I'm skipping," Tsuna says. Though Yamamoto never joined in on any bullying, he never stopped it. Tsuna's debating if he needs to run for it when Yamamoto slings an arm around his shoulder.

"Then we're partners in crime!" he announces proudly. "Wanna grab some ice cream?"

"Sure…?" Tsuna's not even sure what he just said before Yamamoto drags him in the direction of the nearest convenience store. When they enter, the owner shoots them a knowing look before shaking his head to himself. Yamamoto chuckles to himself.

"The owner here's super understanding. I always come here when I skip, but he's never said anything. Well," he pauses and thinks for a second. "I'm pretty sure he told me once that school is stressful, but I shouldn't skip that much. Oops? I guess?"

"Oops indeed," Tsuna agrees without listening. He's looking through the options in the freezer and considers if he wants an ice cream cone or popsicle more right now. Screw it, he'll splurge. Opening the door, he grabs the most expensive ice cream cone he's always wanted to try but was always to cheap to do so.

"Whoa Tsuna, going for the fancy one, huh? I'm getting the same thing too!"

They make the purchase and step outside the store. The ice cream is tasty, and Tsuna can almost feel the stress he didn't even know he had visibly lifting off his back. Yamamoto's launched into a story about the baseball practise yesterday; Tsuna tilts his head when he feels like he needs to add something to the conversation. When they finally stop, it's in front of a bench at the park. So they sit down and continue talking, well, Yamamoto continues talking while Tsuna continues to listen. When Tsuna finishes his last bite, Yamamoto peers at his face before nodding to himself.

"You look better now," he says. "When you walked into me, I thought you were someone else. But now you look more like yourself."

Tsuna stills himself from flinching, "Yeah?"

"Sure. Ice cream sure does wonders, doesn't it?"

"Mn."

They let silence hang between them for a while. Just as Tsuna's about to run for it, Yamamoto speaks up again.

"Tsuna, you know? You're different from when you're at school."

Tsuna freezes and tries to stop him from looking at Yamamoto in horror. Instead, he steels his voice and asks, "What's different?"

"Hmm…" Yamamoto hums. "How do I say it? When you're at school, you're physically there, but it doesn't feel like your mind is there. But right now, all of you is here…" he scratches his head sheepishly. "Did that make sense?"

"Not really."

Yamamoto laughs, "See? You would never say that at school."

"Yeah, because I'd get beat up."

Yamamoto doesn't respond for a while, but when he finally does, it's with a look that Tsuna can't quite decipher the meaning behind, "I don't think so." But then he grins wide again, and a light-hearted bounce returns to his voice, "Well, I gotta run so I'll catch you later."

"Bye," Tsuna says blandly with a small wave. As soon as Yamamoto leaves, an exhaustion hangs over him like no exhaustion he's ever felt before. At this rate, he should just go home and tell his mom he feels like shit. It wouldn't even be a lie.

"Tsuna!" Yamamoto calls from the end of the park and Tsuna looks over. He's waving with one hand wildly while cupping his mouth with the other. "I like this you better! See ya!"

Not a moment after his words, Yamamoto takes off in a sprint down the street, leaving Tsuna flabbergasted, still on the bench. A long time later, he finally has half the heart to go home. For the rest of the day, no matter how hard he tries to forget it, Yamamoto's expression and his words are burnt deep in his mind.


	5. the rain is refreshing

Takeshi has always known he's different from his peers.

He doesn't mean it in a condescending tone. Instead, it's those moments when he feels like nothing but an outcast while his peers gather around and laugh at jokes even the one that's telling them doesn't think are funny. Though he doesn't quite understand, he's always clapped a hand on someone else's shoulder with a grin and joined in the laughter. There's no need for him to understand as long as he has a place to belong. That's what he's always thought.

Sawada Tsunayoshi is, once again, a little different their peers.

He's the loser of the class that fails both academically and physically. Takeshi can understand the academics, what with his own pitiful grades. But as the ace of the baseball team, he won't be picked on the way Tsuna is. However, Takeshi has always been good at telling when someone's hiding something, and Tsuna definitely is, in every sense of the word "hiding".

When Tsuna gets called on during class, he definitely knows the answer. Takeshi can see the corner of his mouth twitch as he holds back his words and feigns a confused expression that fools the entirety of the class. When Tsuna is mercilessly beat up by the bullies in the class, he's fully able to dodge every attack and retaliate. But he never does, and that's what makes the suspicion in Takeshi's heart grow.

Reading those around him is like flipping through a picture book written for two year olds, yet reading Tsuna is like trying to make heads or tails of some ancient text whose meaning has long been lost to man. Until he can make some sense of Tsuna, Takeshi doesn't dare to put on a careless grin and call him a friend.

He can't help but feel that Tsuna would be all too quick to call him out on his bullshit. And that's not something he can afford.

But he talked with Tsuna today. They were alone, out of sight from those at school and Takeshi thinks he may have figured out the first paragraph, no, the first sentence of Tsuna's ancient text. Tsuna was distraught, that much was easily evident from the expression on his face when he rain into Takeshi. The tone of his voice held none of the feigned trembling he always used at school. Instead, the tone of his voice was flat, his words stated what he wished to say without any embellishments. Outside of school, it seems that Tsuna couldn't care less what others thought of him, couldn't care if he was deemed an outcast by all of society.

Takeshi wishes he could do the same.

* * *

Tsuna's been staring at the same patch of grass for the last however many hours. He wishes he can press the "fast forward button" and watch time fly past his eyes as he rots and disintegrates into dirt. And at the same time, Yamamoto's word replay again and again in his head like a broken record.

 _I like this you better._

Only when the sun is dyed in a bloody red does he finally pull himself off the bench. Step by step, he eventually makes his way home. His mother welcomes him home, before asking in a concerned voice where he's been all day, something about the school calling home to tell her he was absent.

"I felt sick," he lies, though it's not completely a lie. He does feel sick to his stomach, but that only came on after meeting Yamamoto. "I fell asleep at the park."

"Why didn't you call home?"

"I forgot my phone," Tsuna says. And this is not a lie at all. He dropped his phone in the crack between his bed and the wall last night but didn't feel like going through the effort of fishing it out. "Sorry."

"As long as you're alright," his mother smiles. And it's such a brilliant smile that Tsuna is reminded of the sun, not the bloody setting one, but the warm yellow one that shines down upon the ground midday. "Are you hungry yet? I'll start preparing for dinner."

"Starving."

"I saw you heading to school with Gokudera today, how is he doing?"

"I don't know, I left just before we got to school."

She hums, busying herself in the kitchen, "He's a nice kid, if a little uptight."

 _You just have to be no good._

 _I like this you better._

Who is telling the truth? Is there even a truth to anyone's words? He stretches out across the dinner table and his mother chuckles, "I haven't seen you do that in a while. Something wrong?"

"Mom?"

"Mmhmm?"

The words blurt out of his mouth before he can fully realize what he's saying, "I'm going to do better in school."

"Is that something you decided by yourself?" his mother turns around and looks at him with a serious face. He thinks about it for a second, and then nods. "Then I'm happy for you! You have my full support."

Tsuna nods again before planting his face into the dinner table. After dinner, he'd tackle the math homework he hasn't looked at in years and that essay he wasn't going to hand in. Tomorrow at school, he'll answer the teacher's goddamn questions, he'll talk back to the bullies that look down at him, he'll catch the ball during gym and score a goal while he's at it. He'll try to become Gokudera's friend, and he'll try to talk to Yamamoto too.

He's trashing No-Good Tsuna. It's been three years since he's promised Suguru. He gave three years of his life to that promise. Isn't it enough already?

Let it be enough already.

* * *

The next day Tsuna meets up with Gokudera on the way to school again. When he waves at Gokudera, he's met with a weird look on Gokudera's face.

"Gokudera, that book you wanted to read? I found it in my bookshelf," Tsuna says, fishing around in his bag and pulling out a thousand-page-monstrosity. He hands it over to a thrilled Gokudera, every last trace of the weird look wiped away as he sets off rambling about the perfection of physics.

When they're right around the corner of the school, Gokudera suddenly stops and looks at Tsuna with a serious face, "The people at school think you're trash."

Tsuna tilts his head, "I'm well aware."

"I don't like it," Gokudera crosses his arms. "People like that don't have the right to talk shit about others."

Putting a hand on Gokudera's shoulder, Tsuna says with a smile, "Thanks, Gokudera, but I'm not going to let them trample all over me again."

Gokudera's eyes harden, and then soften, "I don't know what made you change your mind, but I'm glad you did."

"I am too," Tsuna says. "Thanks, Gokudera. By the way, did we have homework yesterday?"

"Yeah. It's due after lunch though, and it's pretty easy to do."

"Oh, that's good. Speaking of lunch, my mom made you a bento," Tsuna fishes around in his bag again and pulls out a bento wrapped with a red furoshiki sitting beside his own, wrapped in orange. "Mom heard you say you're still settling into your apartment and figured you're probably not eating well. Here."

"She didn't have to," Gokudera says, accepting the bento with both hands and a reluctant expression.

"Yeah, but she did. So take it and eat well. You're also apparently coming over for dinner tonight, so you can thank her then."

Gokudera opens his mouth in a protest, then promptly shuts it again, "Your mom sure is a character."

"That she is, Gokudera. That she is."

* * *

When Tsuna walks into his classroom with Gokudera, the entirety of the class freeze and stare before erupting into loud whispers behind their hands. If they're trying to hide their conversations from Gokudera and Tsuna, they're doing a really bad job. But again, it's not like they're ever tried hiding their conversations from Tsuna before, and change, he supposes, is always welcome.

Gokudera takes a seat in front of Tsuna, and they keep on talking until the teacher marches in the front. Half way through attendance, Yamamoto rushes in.

"Did I make it?" he says, almost wheezing as he takes his seat. The teacher glares at him and nods. He laughs awkwardly amidst the quiet giggling of some of the female students.

The rest of the class go uneventfully. Even though Tsuna's trying to pay attention to the droning in the front of the class, he's never noticed how difficult it actually is to sit through the entirety of a block. Soon enough, he gives up taking notes and stares out the window.

The sky is hidden behind thick storm clouds that are all but about to open up a downpour towards the ground. A dark shadow casts over all that Tsuna can see, and he can't help but to frown at the scene. He wants to see the sky, wishes he could see the light azure and thin wisps of white drifting lazily. He sighs.

"Tsuna! Solve the question on the board!" the teacher suddenly booms and Tsuna jumps at the sudden noise. He scans the board quickly as the class snicker under their breathes, awaiting a confused "huh?".

"Negative two," Tsuna says quietly but firmly.

The teacher looks at him in shock and then turns to the question again, as if he's questioning his own answer. Eventually, he says shakily, "Ye—yes, that is correct."

As if on cue, the class bursts out into bouts of loud whispers that grate at Tsuna's eardrums. Yamamoto turns from his seat and flashes him a thumbs up that he cautiously returns.

Then he looks back out the window and tries not to fall asleep for the rest of the class.

It's in the middle of the night when Tsuna suddenly has the uncontrollable need for a midnight snack. His stomach argues that its not even particularly hungry, but his brain easily brushes away the thought and forces Tsuna out of bed. He briefly considers raiding the kitchen before deciding that only the thrill of sneaking out of the house and running for the convenience store can satiate his desires. He pulls off his pyjamas and throws on a hoodie and some sweatpants.

Sneaking out of the house is difficult, but not impossible. His mother sleeps lightly, to the point that she wakes even when Tsuna is passing her room with the door shut. So instead of leaving through the main door, he reaches for a pair of shoes he keeps in his room for this very reason before sliding the window open to the fullest.

Though his room is on the second floor, the drop to the ground is not all that far. He throws himself out the window, grabbing onto a sturdy tree branch that barely bends even when holding his weight before letting himself hit the ground with an inaudible thud. Tsuna then jumps the fence instead of risking the unoiled front gate and heads off to the convenience store with a hop in his steps.

It's raining lightly, so Tsuna pushes back his hood and lets the raindrops hit his face one by one. He likes it best when he can lay back and watch the blue sky, but the rain brings along a unique sense of refreshment that he can't quite find anywhere else. He lets out a long sigh and stretches.

Gokudera had followed him home after school, mainly to thank Tsuna's mother for lunch and then to stay for dinner. It feels easier to talk to him, compared to when he was watching every word come out of his mouth and wondering if Gokudera would be turn around and be disgusted. It feels like Tsuna has changed, and he himself cannot be more glad for these changes.

But he also wonders if he is still himself. Perhaps he should stay true to himself, except he doesn't know what, or who, is the true him.

There probably is not a 'true' Tsuna anywhere left, and perhaps there never was. But he almost thinks that's alright, that it's okay for him to live on the way he is right now.

But he cannot truly convince himself with such flawed logic.

He yawns. The streetlights paint circles of light on the pavement darkening in colour with each passing second from the rain soaking into the concrete. The night is a deadly silence, yet Tsuna somehow finds comfort in that. Arriving at the convenience store, he pushes open the door and listens to the friendly chime of the doorbell. Nodding a greeting at the worker with a vaguely pissed off expression, he continues down the aisles to the food section. Someone with their hood up turns towards him when he nears, and they both mirror each other's expression of surprise.

"Tsuna?"

"Yamamoto? It's the middle of the night, you know."

"Right back at ya." Yamamoto throws back his hood and grins easily. "Didn't eat enough for dinner?"

"No… I just wanted to be, uh, not at home, I guess."

And it is true. Sometimes, it is simply too stifling to be at home. As if he were to stay at home, he would suffocate and drown in the buzzing of his own room. He didn't think about why he wanted to visit the store in the middle of the night, but the more he thinks about it, the more he is convinced that he was simply escaping the confines of his home.

"I get that all the time! But tonight I just didn't eat enough at dinner, haha. By the way, Tsuna, should I get a meat bun or pizza? Oh! Or maybe fried chicken? Which would you rather have?"

Tsuna taps at his chin. Normally, he'd avoid the meat bun at all cost and stick with fried chicken, but tonight…

"Are you planning on staying out for a bit longer?"

"Hm? Probably. I was planning on going on a walk after."

"We can get all three and share."

Yamamoto blinks, and his eyes light up as if the life's deepest secrets had just been revealed to him, "A great idea! Tsuna, you're a genius!"

"Uh, that might be stretching—"

"An absolute genius," Yamamoto repeats as he waves the worker over. "Can I get two meat buns, a cheese pizza and a large box of fried chicken, please and thank you!"

"Coming right up," the worker responds with about as much enthusiasm as a student returning to school after summer vacation. And, wait— did he hear that right?

"Yamamoto, that's a _lot_ of food."

"Hm? Don't worry, I eat a lot."

"It's in the middle of the night."

"You're right! The middle of the night is the perfect time for a snack, or a meal. Preferably both."

"I—" Tsuna begins, and then cuts off his voice mid-thought. "Yeah, you're right."

Yamamoto grins back. They split the bill two-ways and head off to the nearest park. Settling in to small gazebo, sheltered from the light rain, they uncover the goods and dig in.

None of the food is fresh but they are all steaming hot, if a little on the soggy side. They share a comfortable silence throughout the meal. Only when Tsuna picks up the last piece of chicken does Yamamoto speak.

The grin is still there as always, but his voice is so uncharacteristic of Yamamoto that Tsuna is immediately drawn into full attention.

"H— hey, Tsuna. You know, lately, baseball's not going so well for me."

Yamamoto pauses, as if waiting for Tsuna to say something in response. When Tsuna stays decidedly silent, Yamamoto continues to talk, in the same hesitant and worried voice as before.

"Lately, no matter how hard I practise, my average just isn't going up. If this continues, I might not even be able to start anymore… Hey, what do you think I should do?"

"I think you should talk to your coach instead of me," Tsuna says blandly. "I'm not familiar with the sport, so even if I want to help, I can't."

"Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I should," Yamamoto says, then stretches his arms out and leans back. The grin that is always plastered over his face slowly falls away, leaving something more lonely, more _real_. "But the coach'll probably just yell at me to practise more, what a dilemma."

Tsuna waits for Yamamoto to continue, and when he doesn't, Tsuna stuffs the rest of the chicken down his mouth, swallows, almost chokes, and then speaks quietly, "Even though I cannot help in terms of advising you how to practise, I can at least say this. No matter what a person does, a plateau will always follow a period of rapid improvement. How someone passes this plateau is up to them. However, forcing your way through at the expense of your body is probably one of the stupidest things you can do, with the epitome being to simply give up."

"You— What do you know about me?" Yamamoto raises his voice only slightly, but it's enough to hear the agitation laced between his words. "Baseball is the only thing I have keeping me—" his words cut and he clamps his mouth shut.

Tsuna can guess what Yamamoto was probably going to say.

 _Baseball is the only thing I have keeping me from being labelled a loser, like_ you _, Tsuna._

He smiles, because his mother has always told him that a smile might just be what someone needs to brighten up their day, or in this case, night, "I know that you eat a lot because you told me that earlier. I know that you enjoy visiting the convenience store when you skip school because you told me yesterday. I don't know much else about you, and I won't until you tell me more. I think the question here might be, do you want me to know more about you?"

"I think you know more than that."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Sorry for talking about all that heavy stuff," Yamamoto says, once again plastering that smile over his face. "I still have practise before school, so I'm gonna go catch a bit of sleep before that. Good night!"

"Night," Tsuna says.

When Yamamoto is long gone from his sight, Tsuna looks up at the sky and holds out a hand. The rain doesn't feel so refreshing anymore.

Yamamoto is missing from school that day. Rumours say that he broke his arm that morning during practise and he's getting a cast at the hospital.

Tsuna briefly wonders if he should text him to see if he is alright before remembering that he doesn't have Yamamoto's number. Tsuna also doesn't know if Yamamoto considers him a friend, so he decides to drop it and wait until he comes back to school.

The next day, Yamamoto is back at school with a grin that look even more forced than usual. Tsuna stares him down, but Yamamoto doesn't turn to greet Tsuna in the back of the classroom. It is fine. Tsuna will be here if Yamamoto wants to talk. And if he doesn't, there is no reason for him to force a talk.

He thinks everything is fine until a student rushes in the classroom after school screaming.

"Yamamoto is on the roof! I— I think he's gonna jump!"

 _Maybe I should jump with him_ , Tsuna thinks to himself, half in amusement. When he realizes the thought that just passed through his mind, he shrinks back in horror.

Nonetheless, when he pulls himself out of the shock, he joins in the students rushing up to the roof and squeezes through the crowd until he's staring right at Yamamoto, on the other side of the fence.

"Have you come to laugh at me? Loser?" Yamamoto's voice is like steel, cutting through the air and piercing into Tsuna's eardrums. "I bet you think it's funny, huh? Seeing me do something like this?"

"I would be sad if you died."

"You liar," he snarls. "You know, don't you? About how I—"

"Yes," Tsuna says, walking closer to the fence, closer to where Yamamoto stands, teetering on the edge. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it matters!"

"You're lying."

The crowd behind him is screaming, at him or at each other, Tsuna's not too sure. But he is at least sure they're not going to be of any help, so he scales the fence to stand beside Yamamoto.

"I—"

"Do you know why I would be sad if you died?"

"Huh?" confusion floods Yamamoto's face, and Tsuna takes this as a chance to continue.

"Because it would be stupid of you to die over a broken arm."

"You don't—"

"I don't understand. And I won't understand until you talk to me However, before we have that conversation, instead of wasting your brain on deceiving the people around you, use it to _think_ for a second. How long is a broken arm going to take to heal? How long will you continue to play baseball? A month or two of rest might make you rusty, but it won't take long until you can play the way you used to again."

Tsuna takes in a deep breath and notices that he's trembling, whether in anger or fear or something completely different, he has no idea, "Anyway, if you truly wish to die, I don't have the right to stop you. But make that decision _after_ you consider everything. I'll talk to you later."

Tsuna scales the fence again and leaves the rooftop. He's still trembling.

It's only when Yamamoto taps his shoulder back in his classroom with an apologetic smile on his face that the trembling finally stops.


	6. the cloud is faint

A few days later at dinnertime his mother finally utters those dreaded words Tsuna never wanted to hear.

"Tsu-kun, Reborn is coming back from his trip to Italy this weekend. Aren't you excited to see him again?"

"I'm not," Tsuna says, sighing at the end.

"Now, now, don't say that. It's a shame he had to go on a business trip on such short notice," she breaks the steamed fish in front of her in pieces with her chopsticks. Tsuna tries to imagine Reborn's head being crushed to pieces by those chopsticks, before adamantly wiping away the vivid image when the chopsticks near her mouth.

"Yeah," he eventually forces the words out of his own mouth without any feeling behind them. "Truly a shame."

"We should have a feast when he gets back. Wouldn't you like that, Tsu-kun?"

Tsuna stops the immediate no that almost burst out of his mouth. His mother would be disappointed if he disagreed, and then make the feast anyway because she's always complaining that only cooking for two is no fun. Before resigning himself to the fate of a feast with only his mother and Reborn, he remembers Gokudera and Yamamoto.

"Can I invite some friends? Uh, it's not much of a feast if we only have three people, right?"

Nana's eyes light up brighter than the brightest supernova, "Of course! Who are you inviting? Oh! One of them _has_ to be Gokudera, right? Did you make more friends at school? Is that the reason you snuck out of the house a few nights ago?"

Ah, she found out. Why did Tsuna even think he could keep that a secret from his mother, he was much too naive. Scratching at the back of his neck awkwardly, he mutters, "Yeah, sorry for sneaking out a night, Mom. I didn't want to wake you up."

She laughs lightly, "Next time just go out the front door, alright? It's alright if you want to go out on a walk."

Tsuna nods.

"Oh, but you _have_ to tell me about your new friend! What are they like? Have I ever met them?"

 _He tried to jump off the roof_ _—_ "He's the ace on the baseball team. And he's really nice. I think you'll like him. You might have seen him around Namimori, but I'm not sure."

"Hm… well, I'll just have to wait until our feast! Are you inviting anyone else?"

"No, that's it."

"Alright! Then I'll plan the dinner for six. Hm… Tsu-kun? Do you have any requests?"

Tsuna shakes his head, and then remembers when Gokudera had Nana's lunch box, "Oh, I think Gokudera really liked the croquettes you packed last time. And when I went to the convenience store with Yamamoto, he seemed to like the fried chicken the most. So… croquettes and fried chicken?"

His mother smiles the way she only smiles when she's planning overkill for a dinner, "I'll see what I can do! In the mean time, why don't you see if there's anyone else you can invite? Cooking for more is always more fun."

Tsuna frowns. There's no one else he ever talks to, but maybe for his mother, it's time he gives it his all, "I'll try my best."

"That's all I ask for, Tsu-kun."

—

"Dinner this weekend? Sure, I'm free. How's your mom doing?" Gokudera asks.

"She's good. She also asked me to tell you she's making lots of croquettes, if you needed any extra incentive on coming."

Gokudera's cheeks redden slightly, "Ah, she noticed?"

"I told her," Tsuna clarifies. "And you're also coming right, Yamamoto?"

Yamamoto puts one hand behind his head, "Yup! Your mom's cooking is too good to miss out!"

Tsuna frowns, "Stop stealing my lunch."

"It's hard to resist, you know?"

"I can ask her to make a lunch box for you too. She already makes them for Gokudera, one more won't hurt."

"But the fun comes from taking food that's not meant for you!"

"You're terrible."

"You really are terrible," Gokudera finally chimes in, after watching the rally between the two. "Your dad makes you lunch already."

"We could trade?" Yamamoto asks hopefully.

"I'm good…" Tsuna says tiredly.

"I'm good as well," Gokudera follows. "You'll get to have some this weekend. Grow some patience."

"Patience is hard when you only have one arm to work with," Yamamoto complains, swinging his casted arm in a sling back and forth. "Can't do much of anything."

"Then find a way to waste time. You can go slam your head on that glass window right there, for starters. Land yourself in the hospital and bam, it'll be the weekend before you know it," Gokudera suggests thoughtfully.

"Gokudera," Tsuna deadpans. "No one is going to the hospital. But I probably should anyway; talking to you guys is giving me a headache."

The three of them look at each other with blank looks before erupting in a fit of laughter. The classmates around them shoot them looks of confusion and annoyance before returning to their own conversations. Tsuna doesn't care.

This is the stupidest conversation he's had in years, but it's also the most fun he's had in years. He's long forgotten the feeling of having friends around him, but if his friends are like this, it might not turn out so bad.

 _You don_ _'t deserve this—_

 _Fuck off,_ he says to his own brain. _Fuck off and keep my heart beating or something. I don_ _'t need this bullshit._

When the three finally settle down, the teacher walks into the classroom as if on cue. Yamamoto and Gokudera wave before heading back to their seats at the front. By the time the teacher begins droning about solving for x's and y's, Tsuna's already staring out the window at the sky.

—

They've grabbed their lunches and are walking up to the rooftop where they've been eating lunch together the last few days when Tsuna voices his problem.

"Mom wants me to invite more people for the dinner. The problem is, I don't really know anyone else. Is there anyone you guys want to invite?"

"No," Gokudera says.

"Hm," Yamamoto puts a hand to his chin. "I could invite the people from the baseball team… but they're…"

After Yamamoto's broken arm, and consequently, attempted suicide, Yamamoto's been put on a temporary break from the baseball team. Tsuna's heard from unintentionally eavesdropping on other students that the baseball team members are now reluctant to even meet Yamamoto's eyes, let alone talk. There's also rumours going around that Yamamoto might not be accepted back into the team, but Tsuna suspects that's just a rumour.

He's seen them play without Yamamoto. It would be idiotic not to accept him back into the team.

"Don't worry about it, I'll see if there's anyone else I can talk— ah—" he's thrown back when he thinks he walked into a _literal wall_. Instead, he looks up and finds the face of the death reaper.

"For disturbing my peace, I'll be biting you to death," Hibari Kyouya says quietly, his hands reaching for the tonfas hanging from his belt. Without seeing the swing of metal straight towards his temple, Tsuna ducks and jumps back.

"You weren't looking either," he shoots back. "What's not to say that _you_ weren't the one that disturbed _my_ peace?"

"Hoh? For a herbivore, you sure like to talk," Hibari moves to strike again but steps aside when a dynamite _explodes_ where he stood only seconds ago.

"Gokudera? Did you just—?" Tsuna yells.

"That looks fun, Gokudera. Can I try?" Yamamoto begins in his ever happy-go-lucky voice before his voice drops an octave. "The next one's going to hit, Hibari, no one attacks my friend like that."

"I think I like you better than I thought," Gokudera says.

"Wait! Stop! No more dynamites!"

"Weapons are forbidden in school. I will now cut you down."

"You're wielding weapons too! This doesn't even make any sense!"

"I'll cut you down first."

"Not if you get blown to bits first!"

"Yeah!"

 _Where_ _'s the un-friend button? I just found out that I made a terrible mistake,_ Tsuna thinks before joining the fray of flying dynamites and tonfas.

—

Tsuna supposes it's the benefits of having a mafia member and a baseball ace teamed up alongside himself, a loser, against Hibari that even gave the three of them a fighting chance. As the four of them lay on beds separated only by fluttering white curtains, Tsuna lets out a long sigh.

"Hibari? My mom's trying to get me to invite people over for dinner on Saturday. If you're free, you should come join. I'll text you my address."

"Whoa Tsuna, is that okay? What if he makes a scene?" Yamamoto's concerned voice floats from Tsuna's left.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't be inviting bastards like him in the first place," Gokudera grunts from even further to the left.

"I— Well, it should be fine. My mom is strong. And Hibari, just consider it, okay?"

"Hn," Hibari hums quietly.

"What an asshole."


End file.
